Remember the time that an evil, crooked man attempted--several times, mind you--to kill me today? I called you up on telephone, using that "911" number I received from you at the ball all those weeks ago, and told you all my horrifying experience biking along Massachusetts Avenue when the evil, crooked man in question tried repeatedly to drive his dark green Toyota Camry (Massachusetts license plate #67Z G73) into my bicycle like some kind moving target. We had a lovely conversation--your silky smooth alto was so full of empathy, and really helped to calm me down after this horrifying attempt on my life. Although I was fine, you offered to call an ambulance or other such service for me. I gave you the direction that the driver was heading, as well as a physical description of the man. You even asked me for my phone number, so that someone from the BPD could call me and gather information for an official report.
But alas, more than six hours passed, and I did not receive any such phone call. And what's more, when I called the Police Headquarters and inquired as to the status of the incident report, I was informed that no such report existed! My outgoing call log insists that I made a 3 minute 911 call at 11:43 this morning, there was no proof of this communication. Why, there were no hit-and-runs reported at all today!
Sweet Lady Justice, how would you do this to me? In my most vulnerable moment, where my life flashed before me only seconds earlier, you manipulated me and made me believe that I could trust you. Just like a woman! I should like to see you hanged in the square for such treachery, but I'm told that this is an antiquated practice, apparently much like THE FUCKING BOSTON POLICE DEPARTMENT DOING THEIR GODDAMN JOB FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF FEIGNING INTEREST AND ALLOWING MY WOULD-BE MURDERER TO ESCAPE WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A SLAP ON THE FUCKING WRIST.
I do hope you would show me such kindness the next time that you confront me for being drunk in public