Sunday, May 25, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: A Critique by Thomas P. Dunn

Aliens? Seriously? ALIENS?!

Fuck you, George Lucas. Fuck you so hard you bleed out your fucking eyeballs and experience the same pain I felt the last 4 times I saw one of your stupid fucking movies.

An excerpt from a film development session:
LUCAS: "Okay, we should have monkeys"
SPIELBERG: "Definitely. What do they do?"
LUCAS: "Fight communists."
SPIELBERG: "Okay, cool. What else?"
LUCAS: "OOH! Moles, In a mole hill."
SPIELBERG: "YES. The mole hill will serve as an allegory for a microcosm of the metaphorical world we've created, and the moles simpleminded innocence reflects our own inherent search for epic narrative arcs that illuminate the human experience."
LUCAS: "PERFECT! What are we missing?"
SPIELBERG: "Hmmm. OH! I know. Giant Bugs!"
LUCAS: "How about ants?"
SPIELBERG: "Ants? I like it. What do the ants do?"
LUCAS: "They eat people alive."
SPIELBERG: "GENIUS. Okay, let's find someone to write a script, and lets make it happen"
LUCAS: "Go team!"
SPIELBERG: "Wait. One more thing."
LUCAS: "What's that?"
SPIELBERG: "Extradimensional aliens that supersede the space-time continuum. Fucking duh, George."
LUCAS: "SHIT! I'm so stupid. I can't believe I didn't come up with that myself!"
SPIELBERG: "It's okay. You created Jar Jar."
LUCAS: "You know, I still don't see where that went wrong..."

For your sake, I have omitted the parts of this conversation that involved blatantly and shamelessly ripping off of Boris and Natasha from "Rocky and Bulwinkle" to avoid putting any real effort into developing the antagonists.